Why One Must Not Attempt To Analyze A Child Genius
by fiercejinx
Summary: "Artemis Fowl had retired half a dozen counselors from St. Barleby's already this year." Here's how. Six chapters, one for each psychologist losin' it.'
1. Dr Rupert

**Disclaimer: I do not own the book Artemis Fowl and make no money out of the writing of this fic.**

**Summary: "**Artemis Fowl had retired half a dozen counselors from St. Barleby's already this year." Here's how. Six chapters, one for each psychologist losin' it.'

**Chapter 1: Dr. Rupert**

* * *

"_Angeline, distraught by her son's obsession and afraid of the effects of the past two years on his mind, signed her thirteen-year-old for treatment with the school counselor. You have to feel sorry for him. The counselor, that is…"_

_-Artemis Fowl, The Arctic Incident, chapter 1 "Family Ties."_

* * *

Dr. Rupert was realizing belatedly that getting into an argument with Artemis Fowl as to the importance of a psychologist's intervention in case of problems was not the smartest idea he had ever had. For one, all his arguments –well arguments that had been hammered into him by his professors and seniors – tended to sound surprisingly _stupid_ in front of young Master Fowl. Dr. Rupert was on the verge of losing his legendary cool.

Artemis looked amused.

"To say that a smart person knows himself thoroughly is a contradiction in terms, doctor. There is no human being who knows himself so well as to have nothing concealed from himself. For the sake of a healthy psyche, it is important for human beings to maintain certain illusions about themselves and their capabilities."

Dr. Rupert crowed triumphantly. "Ahah! So you admit that you are not smart enough to know yourself completely and that just proves that a different perspective is sometimes essential to correct the inevitable flaws in you personality that-"

"You misunderstand me, doctor," Artemis explained patiently, the way one explains to a 3 year old why 2 + 2 is 4.

"I am pointing out to you that I _am_ intelligent enough to realize that I don't and I should not know myself completely."

The doctor, who had opened his mouth to override his objections, closed it angrily. "What?" he demanded. "You expect me to acknowledge that you are smart because you _don't_ know something?"

Artemis sighed. _Why? _"I am merely attempting to explain to you, the fact that knowing oneself completely is a state of being entirely unhealthy but the process of attempting it, or as Mr. Masclow would say, _self actualization_, is a mark of healthy adjustment."

Dr. Rupert didn't appear convinced. "Whatever, boy. The fact remains that when it comes to psychology, I know more than you do and you're simply going to accept that fact. Egoism to a high extent is a sign of a maladjusted personality, you know."

Artemis was swiftly losing his patience. "I was attempting to be civil here, but I do not know why I bother. The point, good doctor, is that although I do not claim to 'know myself' completely, I know myself far better than you or any others of you so called psychologists ever could. You may psychoanalyze any and all of your other patients but do not try that with me."

Dr. Rupert squinted. "Why not?"

Artemis smiled charmingly. "Because I am a genius and you are not."

Dr. Rupert drew back at that. He was quite sure that was meant to be an insult but he didn't know how to respond because obviously, it was true. Any contradiction to that that he might attempt would be met with swift and brutal rebuttal. So…an insult that was actually a fact. How insulting.

"Your arrogance is unbecoming, young man," he snapped. "Don't think too much of yourself just because you happen to have a high IQ. It just means you may be lower than average in other areas of life."

Artemis smirked. "Name one."

Dr. Rupert frowned. "Hand eye co-ordination."

Artemis smiled. "I assure you need not be worried on that score. My hand eye co-ordination is fine. If you doubt me, hand me the .22 Smith and Wesson's in your lower left hand drawer and I'll prove it."

Dr. Rupert did not want to know how Artemis knew he had a gun there and he definitely want to hand a weapon to this arrogant youth who was appearing more unbalanced by the minute. He hastily abandoned that line of argument.

Dr. Rupert smirked. "Physical prowess."

Again, Artemis was smiling infuriatingly. "I wonder, doctor, if you have ever bother to look up the difference between _can't_ and _won't_."

Dr Rupert stared.

"There _is_ quite a bit of difference. For example, 'I _won't_ be bothered to build ridiculous and entirely unnecessary ape muscles in a misguided bid to compensate for other – _short comings_.' And 'You _can't _beat me in an intellectual contest."

Dr. Rupert blinked and in attempting to work out the newest insult, forgot what he had said to start this in the first place. He shook his head to clear his thoughts quickly.

"The point, Artemis, is that there are some things in which other people are more well-versed than you and you will just have to accept that fact. For _everyone_, there is someone from whom they can learn."

Artemis did not bother to point out the obvious hole in the argument. There was a dangerous glint in his eyes, one that anyone close to him would have recognized immediately and run for cover. However, Dr. Rupert was ignorant of this and was thus doing a small victory dance in his head as he seemed to have finally silenced his opponent- ahem _patient_- his patient.

"Is that so?" Artemis said quietly. Then he smiled innocently. "Then tell me, doctor, who do _you _consider you superior in matters of psychology?"

Dr. Rupert smiled complacently. Hah! The boy thought he would let his ego get in the way of his practice? He was a trained psychologist and as such could think objectively about any situation. Artemis was smart, granted, but he was still too young and inexperienced if he thought he could mess with _him_!

"I will readily acknowledge that there are several distinguished mind in the field from whom I have and still learn a lot."

Artemis smiled but it seemed a bit forced to the doctor. He mentally smirked.

"Really? For example, say in the field of the psyche of the genius and child prodigy, who would you say is more knowledgeable than you?"

"Do you want examples?" asked Dr. Rupert smiling encouragingly. "I could give you names but you will probably not have heard of them, boy. You see, they are mostly authors of psychology textbooks, textbooks that are quite advanced."

Artemis smiled. "Humor me, doctor."

"Hmmm…well the first name that comes to mind is the honorable Dr. F. Roy Dean Schlippe." Artemis's smile widened. "He is by far the most erudite scholar on the subject." He shook his head reverently. "I mean his text book is just…it's almost as if he has been inside the mind of a genius."

_I'll bet he has_, thought Artemis amused.

But Dr. Rupert was looking at him seriously over his glasses and Artemis quickly forced the smirk from his face. "It is no laughing matter, young man. In fact, I would ask you to read him up, except you're still too young. You wouldn't understand a thing." He smiled condescendingly.

"Really, doctor?" Artemis asked, feigning surprise. "Just who is this Dr. Schllipe?"

"He is an elderly gentleman who lives in retirement in Malibou," lied Dr. Rupert. The fact was that no one knew who this doctor was, but this was the most widely accepted rumor. "In fact, I received a reply to an email I sent him just yesterday," he revealed faux-casually, proud to be in communication with such a great personality.

"Oh?" Artemis sounded impressed. "You couldn't perhaps show me that mail…?"

Dr. Rupert hesitated. It was against protocol but…hell, Artemis Fowl was against protocol! One can make exceptions, right? Teach the conceited youth some respect?

"Why yes, here it is," he told him, attempting to quickly access the email on his laptop. He really wasn't a technology man. He panicked slightly when he couldn't open the file but Artemis was waiting patiently. He seemed to be in no hurry at all. He let out the breath he had been holding when the file finally opened. He turned the laptop around to face his client.

"There!" he said triumphantly.

Artemis seemed to read it intently for a minute. Then he looked up to stare intently at the psychologist.

"Doctor, what would you say, if I told you that _I_ am Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllipe?"

Dr. Rupert looked at him blankly for a moment. Then he blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he stared. Then he burst out laughing.

"Come on, Artemis, my boy," he laughed. "You don't have to resort to absurd lies. You can admit you were wrong."

Artemis was smiling serenely. "In the most recent edition of his textbook on the genius's psyche, he says-"

And he proceeded to quote an entire paragraph.

Dr. Rupert stared at him before hurrying to the bookself and grabbing the book, flipping through it wildly.

"It is on page 376, doctor," Artemis called obligingly.

Dr. Rupert threw him a dirty look then opened the said page. Then he stared at Artemis.

"Could you repeat that?" he bit out, irritably.

"Gladly," Artemis inclined his head graciously smiling and giving the doctor a look that was saying something very derogatory about his mental capabilities. Then he did. Dr. Rupert snapped the book shut and pointed an accusing finger at him.

"That's nothing! You could have rote learned that before you came in."

"I'll quote any part of the book you choose," Artemis offered. Dr. Rupert did not think his ego could stand it.

"No need! You can have the whole damn book off by heart for all I care! You're not Dr. Schllipe!"

Artemis noted with relish that the _good doctor _was about to lose it.

"Alright, why don't you email him something and you'll get a reply," he showed him his cell phone.

Dr. Rupert glared at him angrily. "Fine!"

He turned quickly to his laptop.

"_Respected Dr. Shllipe,_

_This may seem strange but there is a boy here who claims to be you."_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Dr. Rupert._

Then he sent it off, crossed his arms and glared. Artemis smirked as he received the email almost instantly.

"_Listen to the boy, doctor. He's telling the truth. _

_Yours truly,_

_Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllipe._

_P.S. You are an imbecile."_

He sent it.

Dr. Rupert's eyes widened as his computer pinged, signaling that he had received a mail…from Dr. Schllipe. With shaking hands, he opened the mail. His face turned red at the post script.

Artemis was smirking insufferably. "Satisfied, doctor?"

"I- no it's a trick!" Dr. Rupert announced.

Artemis sighed. "I know it can be difficult to accept the truth sometimes, doctor, but please try not to go into denial. It is not healthy."

Dr. Rupert's face looked like it was about to explode. It had surpassed red and turned maroon. There was something particularly _stinging _about receiving psychological advice from a thirteen year old, particularly when there was a chance he might be a world renowned author and one of Dr. Rupert's idols. _No_, dammit! There was no chance of that. There just _wasn't_. And he wasn't in denial.

He remained silent sullenly. Then suddenly something occurred to him.

"You have planted a camera in this room! That's how you know what I typed."

Artemis smiled tolerantly. "And just how would I plant a camera here, doctor? And how is that you receive a reply from Dr. Schllipe's email address?"

Dr. Rupert scowled at him. "Alright then. Send me a mail right now!"

Artemis shrugged and turned back to his phone. A few seconds later, Dr. Rupert's computer pinged. He glared at Artemis suspiciously then opened the mail.

"_You, Dr. Rupert, need to accept the fact there is a thirteen year old in front of you who is __**far**__ smarter than you. In fact, there may be __**several**__ thirteen year olds who are smarter than you, and I'm not talking about child genii either."_

Dr. Rupert now looked on the verge of tears.

Artemis smirked, then got up and walked out, closing the door lightly behind him. The last image he saw was Dr. Rupert, Ph.D, burying his face in his arms and sobbing. He grinned and pulled the door shut.

His principal was waiting outside. He raised an enquiring eyebrow at the boy.

"Give him a minute," Artemis whispered. "Poor man seems to be having a breakdown." Principal Guinea's eyebrows shot up. Then he frowned thunderously at Artemis. He opened the door, took one look at the sobbing man and pulled the door shut hastily.

"You may go," he told the boy.

Artemis smiled. "If you ask me, the man seems a little over wrought, even delusional. Perhaps he needs some time off?" he suggested politely.

"Delusional?" the Principal squinted suspiciously. Dr. Rupert was a renowned psychologist. One of the best. And he had seemed fine just a couple of hours ago.

Artemis nodded seriously. "He seemed to think I was a 70 year old author of a psychology textbook." The Principal looked at him blankly, then went in to assess the situation.

* * *

In his limo, Artemis opened his PowerBook and hacked into Dr. Rupert's email ID-

* * *

A few days later, news reached the students of St. Bartleby's that Dr. Rupert had retired.

"I had to let him go," Principle guinea confided in one of his colleagues, "The poor chap was clearly off his rocker. He went into hysterics of how Artemis Fowl was the author of some book. Then when I was skeptical, he told me that the author had sent him a mail saying he was an imbecile. I checked his inbox of course. There was no such email, only a few replies to some questions Dr. Rupert must have asked him. Purely academic."

He shook his head sadly. "I spoke to another psychologist about this. He suggested that the man was having hallucinations and the 'hypothetical email was the feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness in his unconscious taking the form of someone he obviously held in high esteem.' Poor chap, he clearly needed a vacation."

* * *

A/N: Big thanks to ItIsAllAPuzzle for pointing out the age error.

Thank you for pointing that out! Actually, I had the first book in mind when he started and that was age 11 and Dr. Po remembers that Artemis has "already caused half a dozen counsellors to retire this year." I checked it our since you recommended and Artemis was actually thirteen. If anyone finds any errors, please tell me. Feedback always appreciated.


	2. Dr Miller

"…_It was difficult to believe for adults to believe that this pale-faced thirteen year old could actually be a threat. Artemis had tried to take advantage of this by wearing casual clothes instead of his usual designer suit. He had also been practicing an innocent, wide eyed look…"_

_-Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code- Chapter8: Hooks, Lines and Sinkers_

* * *

**Chapter 2 - Dr. Miller**

Dr. Miller leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers.

"So, Artemis…what's going on?" he asked, going for the casual approach. "Any special plans for the weekend?"

Dr. Miller was one of those know-the-kids type. He always made an effort to see things from their point of view and not be all _adult_ about minor situations. Artemis had therefore decided to respect that and be totally honest with him.

"Why yes, doctor, I'm actually planning to kidnap a fairy."

Dr. Miller went very still for a moment wondering if he had heard correctly. _Surely_ not…

"A-a _fairy_, Artemis?"

Artemis smiled politely. "Yes."

"Umm…do you think fairies exist, Artemis?"

Artemis tilted his chair back thoughtfully. "Hmmm…well, I know logically they are not supposed to but I have done research and I have arrived at the conclusion that they do, in fact, exist."

Dr. Miller quickly consulted his notes. No one had informed him that the boy was delusional. Although given his bio data, he wasn't really surprised. Father dead, mother in depression, no friends. It was not that surprising that little Artemis had withdrawn into a world of his own.

"And…why do you want to _kidnap_ a fairy?"

Artemis looked at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"For their gold, of course."

Dr. Miller stared.

"Gold?"

"Well yes, you know, gold. Fairies have gold and if I kidnap one, surely they'll pay ransom."

Dr. Miller stared at the youth feeling quite sorry for the boy.

"And why do you need this gold so badly, Artemis?"

Artemis looked at him and smiled manically. "Aurum potestes est."

Dr. Miller frowned and jotted something down.

"I see. Well what about friends, Artemis? Who are your friends at school?"

Artemis's face fell. "I…don't have any," he whispered.

Dr. Miller looked at him sympathetically. "Oh? And why do you think that is?"

Artemis looked up, desperation in his eyes. "Because no one will talk to me! I-I tried and they just make fun of me…and there's this senior who hit me once and-"

Artemis felt quite proud of his performance. It was a blatant lie. Some kids of course had tried to make fun of him. When he was in first grade. They had taunted him. He had replied. They had shut up. And word soon spread that anyone who wanted his ego and even self-esteem intact should stay clear of Artemis Fowl…

Alright so he wasn't being _entirely_ honest but really, Dr. Miller was just asking for it…

Dr. Miller looked at him pityingly as Artemis broke off, seemingly to steady his voice. That would explain young Artemis's bid for power. A last ditch attempt to gain control over some aspect of his life.

"I have your bio data her that says you've been bunking school. Is this the reason why?"

In his head, Artemis rubbed his hands in glee. Not that he ever would in reality, of course but this was going to be _fun._

Artemis nodded slowly. "Yes but also that…also that the teachers pick on me."

Dr. Miller's eyebrows went up. Well. He would certainly have to have a talk with principle Guinea about this! He, Dr. Miller was new to this school, barely two months since he joined here since the previous counselor had retired but this would not be allowed to continue!

"Pick on you?" he asked gently.

Artemis looked embarrassed. "Yes well…I once corrected Mr. Samuel during mathematics class and since then he's held a grudge…"

He looked imploringly at the psychologist. "I mean I know I may have been out of place but that's no reason to…to _mock_ me in front of the entire class! I mean I can't help it! It's not my fault I have a genius level IQ and-"

Dr. Miller was moved. Ah! So this was the reasons the teachers were against this boy! He had heard them talk about Artemis in the staff rooms and they made him out to be some kind of evil genius when he was only a lonely boy who was ostracized because of his intellect. Dr. Miller felt quite proud. He had realized instantly what he was dealing with the moment this shy, hesitant boy had entered his office. He prided himself on being a very good judge of character.

"It's not your fault at all, Artemis," he hastened to assure him. "And you must not think any less of yourself because of what those bullies might say. You're a smart, talented boy and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

Artemis nodded, smiling tremulously, trying not to sneer. In his head, he rolled his eyes and thought _really, do you have to quote Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman?_

"May I know the name of the boy who hit you?"

Artemis seemed to hesitate. "I-I don't want to get anyone in trouble…"

Dr. Miller smiled reassuringly. "I assure you, the management will not be too harsh on him."

Artemis bit his lip. "Terrance…Terrance Smith."

Dr. Miller nodded and noted the name down.

"Are there any other teachers who have behaved unprofessionally with you?"

Artemis avoided his eyes. "No," he said quickly. "No one."

Dr. Miller smiled tolerantly. "Don't lie to me, Artemis. Remember, I'm a psychologist. I can tell when you're lying."

_Ha ha._

Artemis seemed startled, "I- it's just..."

"What is it?" encouraged Dr. Miller.

Artemis finally seemed to relent. "Mr. Hughes, the professor of English literature…he…he said I'm a pretentious idiot and that I would never amount to anything."

_Oh the irony._

Dr. Miller was scandalized.

"He said that?" he scribbled furiously in his notepad. Well! That was just the limits! Dr. Miller knew that none of the teachers at the school liked him very much and he could sympathize with Artemis's plight. He knew what it felt like to be smarter than everyone around. In fact, he had been surprised to hear that it was Mr. Samuel who had suggested to Principal Guinea that, Artemis Fowl, the troubled young genius be taken to him. Well, Principal Guinea would certainly be hearing from _him_!

"Is there anything else you would like to tell me, Artemis?"

Artemis shook his head. Dr. Miller stood up and held out his hand. "Well then, I think that's all for today. I believe we have made some real progress in this session. If you ever need to talk, you know where my office is."

Artemis took the hand and shook warmly. "Oh yes, I know where your office is doctor. I was nice meeting you."

"Same here, young man," said Dr. Miller warmly. He was right to think well of this young man. So quiet and well-mannered. His first impressions were always right.

* * *

Dr. Miller later met Principal Guinea in his office.

"I have some very troubling news, sir?"

Principal Guinea raised his eyebrows. "You have made progress with Fowl? Your…predecessor seemed to have a bit of a tough time getting anywhere with Artemis."

Dr. Miller smiled modestly. "Oh well, what can I say, sir? You just have to know how to handle them. And yes, he was _very _forthcoming."

Principal Guinea nodded. "Well I'm impressed. So what is the diagnosis, doctor?"

Dr. Miller paused for dramatic effect. "Actually, Principal, I would like a few of your staff members present here before I give my professional opinion. You see, the situation rather concerns them. I would like to see Mr. Samuel and Mr. Hughes."

Principal Guinea looked mystified, but acquiesced. Mr. Samuel and Mr. Hughes were called in. They entered, then stopped short seeing Dr. Miller smiling complacently. They ignored him and turned to the Principal.

"Come in, come in…it seems Dr. Miller has something to say about you both."

They gave Dr. Miller dirty looks. Dr. Miller smiled tolerantly.

"Ahem," he began, addressing Principal Guinea. "You see, sir, Artemis has revealed a very troubling thing to me. It seems that he does not like to attend class because these two-" he pointed dramatically at the professors "- pick on him." He finished with a relish.

Principal Guinea frowned and rounded on the professors. This was new. "Is this true?" he demanded.

"N-no," Professor Hughes stuttered. "I never-"

Dr. Miller interrupted him. "Ahem, sorry to contradict you, sir but I have here a confession from Artemis stating that you told him- and I quote – "He's a pretentious idiot and that he would never amount to anything." The doctor smiled apologetically.

Mr. Hughes turned red. "That's what Artemis said to _me_."

Principal Guinea looked at Dr. Miller who was smiling, tolerantly as if confident of exposing his victim's lies. He turned to Mr. Samuel.

"Is it true that Artemis corrected you in class, professor?"

Mr. Samuel frowned. "Yes. Several times." That didn't cover the torture he had endured. It was not comforting that among the almost Neanderthals who were his students, there was a genius laughing at his every mistake. Not that there were many. Really.

Dr. Miller turned triumphantly to Principal Guinea. "Artemis told me that Mr. Samuel mocks him."

Mr. Samuel made a disbelieving noise. "_I_ mock _him_? More like the other way round."

Principal Guinea looked uncertainly at the doctor. "Well, doctor, I _have_ received several complaints about Artemis's back answering and rudeness in class."

"That's because the teachers don't know how to handle his intellect, sir," he protested. "They're ganging up against him. Artemis is a nice, polite boy if a bit shy."

This struck the Principal as distinctly strange. "Polite and shy?" he asked incredulously and mentally added:

_Nice?_

Dr. Miller nodded sagely. "He also told me that a boy in his class, a-" he consulted his notes "Terrence Smith bullied him and tried to hit him."

"Well that can be easily checked."

The Principal called Terrence to his office. After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door and Terrence entered. Terence was tall, with huge muscles and a surly expression. Dr. Miller nodded to himself. Yup, your typical bully.

"Please have a seat, Mr. Smith," Principal Guinea invited. Terrence sat down, looking at them suspiciously.

"What?" he asked rather rudely. Principal Guinea frowned.

"It's about Artemis Fowl. He-"

Principal Guinea broke off in surprise as the boy gave a small shriek and attempted to shrink into the chair, looking around wildly. "Artemis? Artemis Fowl? He's not here, is he? Coz I swear, I didn't say anything-" He looked on the verge of hysterics, eyes searching the room as if afraid the boy would melt out of the shadows…

Principal Guinea frowned, perplexed. This was _not_ typical bully behavior.

"Terrence, Dr. Miller here says that you bullied Artemis Fowl-"

The Principal once again broke off as Terrence stared disbelieving at him, then began to laugh hysterically. "Me, bully Artemis?" he choked "Haaha that's a good one, sir."

Principal Guinea looked questioningly at Dr. Miller.

"Don't lie, boy!" Dr. Miller thundered. "You hit Artemis and-"

Terrence was shaking his head vigorously. "No sir, I never laid a hand on that boy. If I had, that body guard of his would cut me into pieces and feed me to the dogs."

Principal Guinea had to agree with him there. He was familiar with Butler.

"But-" Dr. Miller protested but Principal Guinea raised a hand to silence him.

"That's all, Terrence, you may go."

Terrence nodded hesitantly. "H-he's not here, is he, sir? Artemis Fowl?"

Principal Guinea frowned. "No he is not." Terrence looked relieved. He nodded and left.

Principal Guinea turned back to Dr. Miller. "Well doctor, it seems you were wrong about that. Terrence seemed terrified of Artemis Fowl." He frowned. He would have to check up on that later.

Dr Miller looked quite lost. "But I swear! That boy was so sincere! He's just an extremely sensitive child, vulnerable and afraid of rejection."

The Principal and the staff members exchanged looks. That was certainly not Artemis Fowl. Saying Artemis Fowl was afraid of rejection was like saying Bill Gates was afraid of going broke. He decided to get to the root of the matter.

"Dr. Miller, did you find out what is troubling young Artemis?"

"Yes," he nodded. "His delusions are caused by his intense loneliness and –"

"Wait _delusions_?" cut in Mr. Samuel incredulously. "No one said there were any signs of delusions."

"Why yes, he is quite delusional," Dr. Miller informed them. "He has lost touch with reality to some extent and-"

He glanced with annoyance at Mr. Samuel who had let out a bark of laughter. "Lost touch with reality, my foot. That boy is more in touch with the happenings of the world than anyone I know."

Dr. Miller gave him a superior look. "Well I would certainly call a regression to childhood beliefs a sign of delusion sir."

Mr. Hughes looked astonished. "Regression to childhood beliefs? I assure you, he has no illusions nor any childhood beliefs. I know because he routinely argues with me regarding various "childish fantasies" of various distinguished authors of literary texts."

"But Artemis believes in fairies!" Dr. Miller shouted, desperately. Principal Guinea was starting to wonder how much Dr. Miller was in touch with reality. Well, there was a simple way of checking that.

"One moment please." He dialed Angeline Fowl's number.

"Mrs. Fowl, has Artemis showed any unusual interest in…fairies lately?"

He put the call on speaker.

Angeline laughed.

"Fairies, Principal Guinea? No no, that son of mine never even believed in fairies when he was 5 years old, let alone now."

Principal Guinea frowned at Dr. Miller who was looking stupefied.

"And have thre been any signs of – ah- _delusions _in Artemis…"

"Delusions?" Mrs. Fowl's voice was icy and Principal Guinea felt a shiver down his spine. Artemis was certainly her son. "Are you suggesting my son is delusional, Principal?"

"Eh - no, no…not at all. Thank you, Mrs. Fowl. I am sorry to disturb you."

He replaced the receiver quickly and looked speculatively at Dr. Miller who seemed stunned.

"But he told me he was going to kidnap a fairy so I just assumed…"

Principal Guinea's eyes widened. "_Artemis Fowl_ told you he wanted to kidnap a fairy?"

"Yes," murmured the doctor. "And he seemed like such a nice, quiet, boy, so polite and co-operative." He seemed to repeat this sentence a lot. It didn't help his case any with the Principal. And I am so good at judging people; I cannot be so drastically mistaken!"

Principal Guinea looked at him, keeping his face carefully blank. "Yes, well, I'm sure you'll need to rest, doctor, it has been a long hard day."

Dr. Miller got up in a daze. "Yes, yes it has."

After Dr. Miller left, Principal Guinea looked at the two professors.

"We cannot have him spreading rumors about innocent students like Terrence at school," he stated. "I wonder how the doctor was so…mistaken. Could Artemis have lied?"

Mr. Samuel shrugged, trying to appear undecided but his personal opinion was: _Hell, yeah!_

"He could have but Dr. Miller is a psychologist. Isn't he supposed to know stuff like that? I mean, a small mistake is possible but thinking Artemis Fowl is a nice, quite, shy boy? Do we really want a psychologist like that in our school, sir?"

Principal Guinea nodded slowly. "Yes all that nonsense about fairies. Artemis is not the type of kid to come up with tales like that."

Mr. Hughes and Mr. Samuel here attempted to keep their expression entirely neutral.

"Not to mention Angeline Fowl will have my hide if she finds out our counselor said her son has delusions about fairies."

"It would be best to let him go," Mr. Hughes suggested carefully.

Principal Guinea nodded slowly. "Yes, perhaps that would be best. Thank you, gentlemen."

The professors nodded and left his office.

* * *

Out in the hallway, they gave each other high fives.

"See, knew that would work. I knew Artemis would make short work of the Miller guy. I mean all that nonsense about fairies! Who would have thought! God, that guy gets on my nerves."

Hughes looked at him knowingly. "Who? Artemis or Miller?"

Samuel laughed. "Well both, actually, but Artemis is the lesser of the two evils."

Hughes looked thoughtful. "Yes, I quite agree. You know, it's interesting how that works. One would think Artemis would be the more obnoxious one."

Samuel shrugged. "Miller just thinks he's so much better than anyone else, it gets under my skin."

"Artemis also thinks he's better than everyone else at everything," Hughes pointed out.

Samuel cleared his throat. "Yeah well, the problem is, in his case, he's right." And he would die before he ever let Artemis here him admit it.

* * *

In his room, Artemis smirked. Well. It was nice to hear the professor admit it.

The button camera he had planted in Principal Guinea's room had been quite useful. Dr. Miller's meeting with the staff members had been very…amusing. It was a pity to put Mr. Samuel to trouble; he was a decent enough fellow, but he was the one on whom Artemis had planted the microphone earlier that day. It was a bonus that he got to hear the professor's admission. The poor man had made it so grudgingly. And it was not like he would rub it in later on. Not at all. Because he was a nice, quiet, shy boy.

Artemis grinned.

* * *

A/N: Feedback appreciated!


	3. Dr Robin

"_Let me tell you a little story, Arty," Spiro said. "There was this Irish kid who thought he was ready for the big time. So he messed with a very serious businessman…"_

"…_This businessman didn't appreciate being messed with, so he messed back, and this kid is dragged, kicking and screaming in the real world. So now this kid had to make a choice: does he tell the businessman what he needs to know, or does he put himself and family in mortal danger? Well, Arty, which one is it?"_

.

.

.

…_As they flew across the room, Spiro was being led from the lab. He had finally managed to calm down…_

_Artemis could not resist speaking as they floated past his ear._

"_Farewell, Jon…Never mess with a boy genius."_

-Artemis Fowl: Eternity Code

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 3 - Dr. Robin.**

Artemis knocked and entered the psychologist's office. There was female seated at the desk writing something.

"Come in," she said without looking up. Artemis entered.

She glanced up briefly, seemingly not bothered at all. "Fowl…Artemis, is it?"

Artemis took an instant dislike towards her. _So you're __**that**__ type, are you?_

She smiled in a very professional manner. "So, what seems to be the problem?"

Artemis leaned back in his chair. "Who said there's a problem?"

Dr. Robin's eyes hardened. Her smile disappeared. "Young man, let me make something entirely clear with you. This session is for _your_ benefit. I will not stand for your insolence."

Artemis inclined his head and smiled. "Hmm…we'll see."

Dr. Robin was incensed but she contained herself behind an icy smile. "Alright. I will be dealing with your behavioral problems that some of the teachers have complained about." She consulted her notes. "It says here that you bunk classes, back-answer your teachers, lie to your parents and your teachers…"

Artemis stared at her. "Yes, that's right."

Dr. Robin looked at him, manner obviously disapproving. "Why?"

"Because classes are boring, I only back answer those who ask for it and as far as lying is concerned, don't we all?"

Dr. Robin's manner was cold. "Don't be glib with me, Artemis," she said the name disdainfully. "Clearly you have issues. Is it insecurity? Is that what you're trying to cover up by being so smug and arrogant?"

Artemis smiled disarmingly. "That's for me to know and you to find out."

Dr. Robin's eyes flashed. She consulted her notes smiled a sickly sweet smile. "Tell me about your father, Artemis. How did you deal with his death?"

Artemis's jaw tightened. "He is not dead."

Dr. Robin raised an eyebrow and smiled mockingly. "The courts have declared him dead. But, of course, you know better than them?" She did not give him an opportunity to reply.

"Is that what you're doing, Artemis? Trying to get over your grief by acting up? Because you should know that's not an excuse for how you've been acting." She looked at him intently over her glasses. "Look around you, Artemis. There are many children your age who lose loved ones, but they deal with it and move on with their lives. They don't become sulky and try to act superior. You have genius level IQ. Surely you realize that? Or is that the core of this over confidence?"

Artemis hated this woman, this so-called psychologist, talking so callously, carelessly of such intensely personal topics. "Please refrain from making baseless suppositions regarding matters of which you know nothing."

Dr. Robin once more smiled condescendingly. "I don't have to _know_ anything, Artemis. It's obvious you think quite a lot of yourself for having a higher IQ." Her tone suggested quite clearly what _she_ thought of him.

Artemis remained silent.

The doctor leaned in. "Artemis, I realize that you have so far gotten away with being conceited and rude by intimidating everyone with your intellect and family name and wealth. Perhaps that is the example you father set for you-"

"Excuse me," Artemis interrupted coldly. "You are not the best person to give me a lecture in manners."

Dr. Robin's lip tightened. "Artemis Fowl, I will not hesitate to report you to the authorities."

Artemis smiled. "Go ahead. But if I'm not mistaken, that is actually the reason why you were called in. To deal with my problems that cause me to behave like a 'troubled teen'?"

Dr. Robin smiled coolly. "Oh yes. But I can write a report stating that you need institutionalization for your and your family's safety. I don't think I will have any trouble convincing the relevant people that you're quite unstable. Genii have such fragile minds, you understand."

Artemis was furious. And the angrier he got, the calmer his manner.

"You will lie?" he asked calmly.

Dr. Robin laughed as if it was the most absurd thing ever. "Oh no, dear boy. I'll simply…_present_ the truth."

Artemis understood all about presentation.

He smiled. "I can simply tell them all about this conversation."

Dr. Robin shook her head ruefully. "And your word is gold, is it? They'll surely believe you over a qualified psychologist."

Artemis said nothing but he thought that the camera and microphone he had planted in the room should be quite convincing.

Dr. Robin smiled indulgently as if she had read his mind. "I hope you're not hoping to rely on the camera and mic you planted? I had it searched by professionals. Incidentally, they found the second pair as well."

And she had pretended to not know his name when he entered.

"Well, you're smarter than you look," Artemis acknowledged. "Although," he added thoughtfully, "It would be nearly impossible not to be."

She did not seem fazed by the insult now that she had made it clear who had the upper hand. "Artemis, I suggest you co-operate and be honest about why you've been acting out. After all, I _am _trying to help you."

Artemis would sooner believe Butler had never killed anyone.

Artemis looked at her thoughtfully. "Honest, you say?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Alright then." He abruptly leaned forward in his chair, all hints of amusement and joking gone from his voice. "What do you want to know? Do you want to know about my father's death? You want to know how I dealt with it? It wasn't easy."

He stared straight into her eyes.

"But you know that. Because you have lost some too. Someone important."

It was a shot in the dark but it was a well-educated guess. Robin was in her late forties or early fifties. It was almost impossible that she had never lost anyone.

Robin was well trained in controlling her facial expressions- it was one of the things she was excellent at. But unfortunately for her, Artemis was _very _good at reading people's non-verbal signals. Her mouth tightened almost imperceptibly at Artemis's words but Artemis saw it.

"You know how it is, doctor. But you know, it was worse for me. You want me to tell you how I feel? I will explain. Imagine the person closest to you right now doctor. The person you care about the most, the person who understands you, who _gets_ you…the person you reply on, love the most."

Artemis did not miss the slight softening of her face as she obviously thought of someone.

"This person travels. Obviously, everyone does. No one can stay cooped up at home all the time. It is an ordinary day, an ordinary journey. You suspect nothing wrong; of course not. Everyday that person goes out, you don't imagine something happening to them, something going wrong because it doesn't. They go out and they return."

Artemis's voice was neutral, clinical.

"Except one day, they don't. And you're told there's been an accident. They're missing. You're frantic with worry but also relief because _accident_ is horrible but _missing_ is better than _dead."_

Dr. Robin was looking at him calmly, unperturbed nodding occasionally in a professional manner.

"Do you know what is the first thing that occurs to you when you lose someone? It's that there are so many things that remained unsaid. So many things you should have asked and so many things you should have told them. So many things you kept back, put off for tomorrow, for another day.

"Do you know how it feels to know that there won't _be_ another day? If that happened to you, doctor, would you let go of the one chance that they were alive? The one chance that maybe, maybe somehow, you can _have_ another day?"

He paused. Dr. Robin apparently realized he was expecting a reply. "Well," she said and her voice was steady. "I know it's difficult but you have to accept, for the sake of your health and well-being that-"

"My well-being, doctor, I assure you is quite assured." For the first time he smiled his vampire smile and saw the doctor's serene expression freeze for just a moment.

"Why do you thing I bunk classes, doctor?" Artemis leaned back. "Did you think it was for _fun?"_

He glanced at her notes. "If you check my biography you will see that I have no _friends. _Where do you think I go when I bunk classes? To play video games at the arcade?"

His voice was mocking.

"This conversation is not being recorded so I can speak freely with you, doctor. You are intelligent enough to realize that I am not entirely without resources and brains."

He rested his chin lightly on his fist.

"I put them to good use."

He smiled at her. "You asked me if that is the example my father set me. Well, perhaps you will be gratified to know that you were not far from the truth. Yes, I follow my father's example."

He inspected his nails idly.

"And what is more, I do it well." Robin was staring at him, wondering whether to believe him.

"Why do I back-answer the teachers? Because I can."

There was something icy and ruthless about the way he said it and for a moment, Dr. Robin felt a sliver of fear.

"You said you would have no trouble convincing the relevant authorities that I am unstable. Well, you should know, doctor, that I will have no trouble convincing the _relevant authorities_ to overlook your opinion."

He toyed with his phone.

"Granted, you are a _qualified_ psychologist, doctor but there are some things in the world that count _more_ than educational qualification."

Artemis's tone was normal, as if this was purely an academic conversation. There was no hint of dramatics or emotion.

"You asked me if I am conceited due to my high IQ?"

He looked thoughtful.

"Am I proud of my IQ?"

He met her gaze and smiled.

"No, I am not. Because the level of your IQ is determined predominantly genetically. That in itself is nothing to be very proud of. But I am sure you are aware, doctor, that IQ and intelligence are _very_ different things. Your IQ is how smart you are, how much you know. But intelligence…"

He smiled a fanged smile.

"Real intelligence is what you _do _with that knowledge. And the things that can be done, doctor when you think about situations – and people - clinically…it makes things so much…_simpler_, doesn't it?

He almost savored the word and Dr. Robin felt alarm bells go off in her head. Was this kid putting on an act?

"So you see," he continued conversationally, voice never once changing from the light, almost casual tone, "I am not proud of my high IQ. You asked me if my family name and wealth and IQ were the core of my overconfidence. But I think you misunderstand."

His fingers were drumming a light tattoo on the arm of his chair.

"_Over_confidence implies I think I know more than is true, that my perception of reality if skewed. But the truth is, doctor, I know more than you think. And it is not because of my IQ."

He looked at her seriously.

"You see, doctor, in pursuit of certain aims, one gets to…_see _a lot of things…a lot of _life_, if you will. You think I am making things up but you, as a psychologist, know that certain…events, certain things you see leave a mark."

His gaze was piercing. "Look into my eyes and tell me I am bluffing…because there _are_ certain things that can't be faked."

Dr. Robin looked at his clear blue eyes and saw darkness…_sin_ seen and remembered…

Artemis smiled once more. "You know, you said you would claim I was unstable. I suppose it was meant to be an insult. But if I think objectively, it may not be that far from the truth."

He laughed lightly, _cruelly. _"It's a pity no one will know."

"So," he continued. "For your sake I am telling you, try not to cause too much trouble. It's rather…_annoying_ to have to smooth things over and _accidents_ are so very common these day…"

Dr. Robin seethed. "Are you threatening me?"

Artemis laughed as though that was the most absurd thing in the world. "Oh no. I am merely…_presenting_ the truth."

Dr. Robin felt the jibe but this boy was not to be trusted. Why get in the middle of needless trouble? Who knew what this rich kid without a proper guardian was capable of?

"What do you want?"

Artemis looked at the table thoughtfully. "I want you to leave this school."

Dr. Robin was outraged. "Leave this _school_? Why should I?"

Artemis smiled. "Because I don't like you."

Dr. Robin narrowed her eyes. "You are crossing the line, Artemis."

Artemis smiled pleasantly. "I have not crossed any line…yet. But if you force my hand, I _will. _Didn't you ever wonder why Principal Guinea never takes action against me for my _insolence_?"

Dr. Robin looked at him suspiciously. "Principal Guinea?"

Artemis nodded. "It would be so much more unpleasant for you if you were fired than if you left."

Dr. Robin sneered. "And why would you be so considerate towards me? You don't like me, isn't that right?"

Artemis smiled. "It's not out of consideration, I assure you. But I am not petty, Dr. Robin. I don't like fighting over details…I just want you gone, I don't particularly care how it happens."

His smile turned mocking. "If I wished to injure you, doctor, there are far better, more…_effective _ways of doing that, don't you think?"

Dr. Robin narrowed her eyes and played her last card. "You're bluffing," she told him.

Artemis threw back his head and laughed. "Perhaps, but the question is…"

He stared hard into her eyes. "Are you willing to try me?"

* * *

Dr. Robin handed in her resignation the very next day, saying the work environment was not suitable to her.

And for days afterwards, whenever she kissed her husband goodbye when he went for work, she remembered the pale faced, vampire boy who had said such horrible things about journeys and she held him for just a moment longer.

* * *

Principal Guinea strongly suspected her resignation had something to do with Artemis. He had even asked her if it was anything Artemis did. But she had assured him that Artemis hadn't done anything.

And that, in the end was the problem, thought the Principal.

Artemis hadn't _done_ anything.


	4. Dr Tyler

**Dr. Tyler**

Dr. Tyler was gazing thoughtfully at him, frowning slightly.

"Artemis, I will be straight with you. You have to co-operate with me here. I can't help you if you are not willing to be helped."

Artemis tapped the arm of his chair impatiently. "Doctor, let me make it clear that I am not going to be _honest_ with you because believe me when I say you don't want to know half the things that are on my mind."

Dr. Tyler smiled tolerantly. "Artemis, being smarter than your peers has given you a twisted perception of yourself. If you tell me about at least some things that you feel 'no one else understands', you will see that they are not, in fact that uncommon. It is the first rule in psychology. Things that people consider 'weird' and 'abnormal' are, in fact, not that unusual."

Artemis was getting pissed off and he smiled a slow dangerous smile. _Time to let this doctor know, that there are exceptions to every rule._

"Perhaps you are right doctor. Go on ask your questions and I will attempt to answer them _honestly_."

Dr. Tyler smiled and nodded. He consulted his notes and then asked, "Why do you bunk lectures?"

Artemis's face was impassive. "Because I have work to do."

Dr. Tyler raised a rather incredulous eyebrow, "Work? And what work is this?"

Artemis shrugged. "Many things."

Dr. Tyler frowned. "Ok, it says here that you missed a whole week of school and your mother had no idea you were not in school. What were you doing?"

Artemis appeared to consider it. "This conversation is confidential? You cannot reveal this information to anyone?"

"Yes, of course," said Dr. Tyler.

Artemis looked down for a long moment. He appeared to be debating with himself. Then he abruptly looked up.

"I was in France."

Dr. Tyler's eyebrows shot up. "France? Where in France?"

"Paris," Artemis replied. "Le Louvre, to be specific."

Dr. Tyler looked confused. "The museum? This important 'work' of yours was in the Louvre?"

Artemis nodded.

"What were you doing there?"

Artemis answered quite casually. "Stealing."

Dr. Tyler's eyes bulged. "STEALING?"

Artemis nodded quite calmly. "You told me to be honest."

"B-But- but….w-what…what were you trying to steal?"

Artemis raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Trying?"

Dr. Tyler almost fell out of his chair. "You _succeeded_?"

Artemis inspected his nails. "Obviously," his tone suggesting that he was quite offended that the good doctor would doubt Artemis Fowl's abilities to steal from the world's most secure museum.

Dr. Tyler took a deep breath and steeled himself to ask. "Wh-What did you steal?"

Artemis smirked. "Da Vinci's 'Virgin of the Rocks'."

Dr. Tyler's relief was so great that he laughed. This kid had actually got him for a minute. He smirked skeptically.

"You stole a 6ft by 4ft painting from Louvre and no one heard a word of it…is that right…"

Artemis smiled. "199cm by 122cm, but yes that is correct?"

Dr. Tyler clucked his tongue disbelievingly. "Come now, Artemis…if you want to lie, at least lie convincingly," he smiled almost challengingly. "Do you really expect me to believe that you stole the _Virgin of the Rocks_ and no one noticed that it was gone?"

Artemis was still smiling. "I can show it to you, if that would convince you."

Dr. Tyler clutched the table for support.

"Y-you can..." he swallowed, trying to compose himself. "You can bring it _here_?"

Artemis made an impatient noise. "Of course not. But if I can take _you_ to it…that is, if you _want_ to see it."

Dr. Tyler looked at him speculatively. It was most likely a trick. But what Artemis didn't know that he himself was something of an art _connoisseur _and could easily detect a forgery, especially a Da Vinci. Da Vinci's style was almost impossible to imitate. He would teach this boy a lesson to not toy with him.

He smiled sweetly. "Of course, if you could do that, Artemis…"

Artemis frowned. "You must promise not to tell the authorities."

Dr. Tyler nodded fervently. Artemis seemed satisfied. Inwardly, Dr. Tyler smirked. Brilliant and all he may be, but he was still a kid. He still believed in _I promise._

They left the office.

* * *

"Here it is," Artemis informed him and despite himself, the doctor felt a shiver of anticipation.

Artemis had led him someway into the city to what apparently used to be a huge warehouse. Now, it was well illuminated and the only thing in there was a 6 ft painting, covered in a cloth.

"Prepare yourself," Artemis advised him. Dr. Tyler nodded hesitantly.

Artemis caught one corner of the cloth.

"I present to you-"

With a flourish, he pulled it off.

"_Da Vinci's Virgin of the Rocks_."

Dr Tyler stared.

…and stared…

…and stared.

After a minute, he had to sit down. Artemis had very considerately pulled up a chair for him. He was speechless. This was it. The real thing. The real _Virgin of the Rocks_. Glorious even without its frame and glass...

His mind could not deal with what he was seeing but without conscious thought, his brain catalogued each detail… the perfect expressions of Madonna and Uriel, the flawless contours of the bodies of John the Baptist and baby Jesus and of course, Da Vinci's amazing and inimitable style of playing with light and shadows, the sfumato style…

He opened his mouth to speak but his tongue was dry…

"I-I…this is- how is this…possible?" he finally managed to whisper, still staring at the great painting, unable to look away.

Artemis smirked and said nothing.

"How did you steal it?" demanded the doctor. "How has no one come to know?"

Artemis smiled his vampire smile and the doctor shuddered. "Trade secret."

Then Artemis looked at him inquiringly. "You won't tell, will you?"

Dr. Tyler took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Artemis. This is…this is too big a news to be kept to myself. I…have to inform the authorities."

Artemis frowned. "You said you wouldn't. You gave your word."

Dr. Tyler wrenched his eyes away from the painting to look at Artemis and shrugged helplessly.

"I…I'm sorry, Artemis. I have to."

"Don't do it, doctor," Artemis's voice was steady. "If you do that, you will force me to take…drastic action…"

Dr. Tyler looked at Artemis for a long moment and ascertained that indeed, he had no weapons. He could take this pale, thin boy anytime. And, of course, he was sure they were alone since Artemis wouldn't risk revealing such a well-kept secret to anyone.

He turned to leave.

"I'm sorry,"

Artemis seemed resigned to his fate. His hand strayed casually to his pocket. "Is that your final decision, doctor?"

Dr. Tyler nodded.

Artemis brought out a cigarette lighter and held it up.

"Then I am very sorry I have to do this, doctor, but I cannot have the proof remain."

Dr. Tyler snorted, amused. "You wouldn't destroy a millions of dollar's worth of painting, boy. Stop play acting."

But he was uncomfortable as Artemis stared at him without blinking, a strange light in his eyes. He was afraid.

"I am warning you, doctor…"

Dr. Tyler smiled uneasily. "Don't bluff, kid."

Artemis smiled eerily, hypnotic blue eyes fixed on the doctor.

"I-"

He held up the lighter.

"-never-"

He lit it.

"-bluff."

He threw the burning lighter at the painting and the centuries old painting caught fire instantly.

"NO!" shouted the doctor, rushing towards the painting, looking around helplessly for something to douse the fire, watching as the priceless painting slowly burned away. Finally, he pulled off his jacket and attempted to extinguish the fire with that. It didn't work very well.

"No…" he cried, tears escaping his eyes to see the matchless work of art destroyed so easily. He took Artemis by the shoulder. "You! What have you done?" He began to weep brokenly. "What have you done…"

Artemis was still smiling serenely. "But I had to doctor. I said I would, didn't I? But you didn't believe me."

Dr. Tyler's anger returned with a vengeance.

"You'll pay…you'll pay for this, do you hear me?"

He turned around and ran, leaving an amused Artemis staring after him.

* * *

About 45 minutes later, Principal Guinea was in his office when he was interrupted by two officers escorting a goon, with what appeared to be a half-burnt jacket in his hand.

"Sorry to bother you, sir" began one officer politely. "But do you recognize this man?"

Principal Guinea squinted. Then abruptly got up. "D-Dr. Tyler? What happened to you?"

One of the officers answered for him. "He burst into our office, screaming something about virgin and rocks and Da Vinci and Artemis Fowl."

Principal Guinea recognized the last. With a groan, he sank back in his chair.

"What has that boy done now?"

"Boy?" one of the officers asked. "There was no boy, sir, only this man. He assaulted an officer by grabbing his collar and when we finally managed to subdue him, the only identification we found on him was an ID of this school."

Dr. Tyler, who was quite subdued till this point, seemed to suddenly come to life. "Officer," he managed. "I came to report a crime…committed by Artemis Fowl."

Principal Guinea frowned. "Crime?"

Dr. Tyler nodded. "He- he…" he took a deep breath. "He burned the _Virgin of the Rocks_."

Silence greeted this announcement.

Then an officer began hesitantly.

"He burned a virgin?"

Dr. Tyler snarled in frustration. "No, you dim wits! Not a virgin. The painting…Leonardo da Vinci's painting, Virgin of the Rocks…he burned it."

Silence.

Then-

"Umm," began the principal. "And where exactly did he get this painting?"

Dr. Tyler blinked. "He stole it. From the Louvre."

Principal Guinea raised his eyebrows and sat back. "He stole a Da Vinci painting from the Louvre. I see. Well, if you'll excuse me a moment, doctor…"

He led the officers aside and whispered "This man seems unstable. Could you perhaps escort him to an institution…"

The officer nodded discreetly.

"I AM NOT MAD, DAMMIT!" shouted the doctor. "I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES! THE KID STOOD THERE GRINNING AND SET FIRE TO IT!"

The officers grabbed one arm each and led him away, kicking and screaming. Principal Guinea watched them regretfully.

_There goes another one…_

Then a thought struck him and he called the Louvre, explaining that someone might have tried tampering with a Virgin on the Rocks and to please check if it was ok. The person on the line immediately dispatched security personnel who confirmed that it was, indeed, safe. Principal Guinea thanked them and sat down in his chair, perplexed.

_Why does this always happen to me…?_

* * *

Artemis and Butler headed home in the limo. Butler glanced at the young Master from out of the corner of his eye.

"Was it quite necessary to scare that poor man so much?"

Artemis smiled evilly. "I wouldn't have to if they simply leave me alone, you know."

Butler shook his head. "I saw his face when you set that painting on fire. One would think you'd burned a human being."

Artemis inclined his head, amused. "But then that was the whole point, Butler. The whole scheme wouldn't have worked half so well if Dr. Tyler didn't fancy himself to be a great art expert."

Butler raised his eyebrows. "You had this little stunt all planned out _before_ you went for the session?"

"Well," Artemis said thoughtfully. "I had heard that the good doctor imagined he was an art _aficionado_. I simply could not resist."

"That's not fair Artemis," said Butler disapprovingly. "For all you know, he might have been."

"Any _real_ lover of art," scoffed Artemis, "Would have instantly realized it was a forgery. It was one of my earlier attempts. I would have had to get rid of it in any case."

Butler turned his attention to driving. "Well, you could have fooled me. I always thought it was a perfect copy."

Artemis glanced out the window. "Yes, exactly. It was a _copy. _Da Vinci's work…any great work, for that matter…has a soul. A real art lover would notice that."

Butler looked amused. "But you pulled it off in the end. You have made various art forgeries."

_But none of Da Vinci's paintings…because Leonardo da Vinci was a genius as well…and genii guard their secrets well..._

But as for others-

Artemis laughed. "Indeed. It is fortunate that so many of the so called _experts_ are merely critics."


	5. Dr Betsy

**Dr. Betsy**

Dr. Betsy was a happy individual.

Too happy.

"So, Arty my boy," she boomed. "You see, all you need is _friends_! You're just a lonely little boy in reality, aren't you?"

She got on Artemis's nerves.

"No, I am not," he bit out.

She beamed at him "But you are, Arty! _Everyone_ needs friends! All your knowledge and brains are _useless_ if you have no one to _talk_ to!"

Artemis glared. "I have no interest in talking to those still-evolving apes who call themselves civilized human beings."

"Oh but Arty!" she gushed. "All we _really_ need is _love_!"

"Pardon me if I do not agree," snapped Artemis.

She was grinning. "But you know I'm right, Artemis. All these problems your teachers and your mother worry you have are really nothing at all, except that you need too _relax!_"

Artemis stared. "Relax?"

"Yes!" she beamed. "Relax! Let go! Chill!"

"I don't think-" he began but he was cut off.

"Oh but you have to, Artemis," she told him. "I am not letting you go until you do what I tell you and make a real attempt to connect with people."

Artemis narrowed his eyes. _Have to, you say…_

"Now first thing I want you to do is smile."

Artemis stared. "Excuse me?"

"Smile!" she declared. "Right now…give me a smile!"

"No," Artemis replied coldly.

"Oh come now, don't sulk," she coaxed.

"I'm not sulking, doctor. It is just that I find nothing humorous in the situation."

"But kids your age should smile for no reason, Artemis," she told him, a big, fake smile plastered on her own face.

"And I hope you know that people your age, should _not_?"

He smile froze for a second.

"Don't be disrespectful, Artemis," she suggested. "You are going to have to do as I say anyway – if you refuse, I will inform your mother of the fact that you are refusing to co-operating."

Artemis smiled coldly. "And what exactly is it that you suggest, doctor? That one should grin like a gorilla for absolutely no reason? Like you seem to do all the time?"

The doctor's smile shrank by a couple of molars.

"I had anger issues as well, Artemis once," she revealed thoughtlessly. "But I attended Dr. Felton's classes and it has done wonders for me. Dr. Felton has made great advances in the field of laughter therapy by inventing several new and highly effective techniques. He says that being happy is all about convincing yourself that you are happy. You need this, Artemis. You are clearly quite unhappy."

Artemis made a mental note to make sure _Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllip_ made a call to the esteemed Dr. Felton.

"Perhaps I am merely not delusional?" suggested Artemis. "Have you ever considered the fact that you appear quite idiotic when you smile like a moron?"

Dr. Betsy smiled. "I know what you're trying to do, Artemis, and you can't anger me."

_Want to bet?_ thought Artemis, amused.

"Really?" Artemis asked innocently. "Do you never get angry?"

"Not any more," Dr. Betsy told him serenely. "Dr. Felton is a rising star in his field." Her eyes were glazed over with adoration. "Soon, the world will respect Dr. Felton's name alongside the likes of Freud and Jung." She sighed contentedly.

"Dr. Felton says that anger is an emotion that harms the individual more than the person it's directed at. Dr. Felton says that whenever one gets angry, one must simply breathe deeply and think happy thoughts." She took a deep breath.

"Yes, I believe I am aware of the correct means of breathing," Artemis assured her.

"Well then, that's all you have to do!" she told. "You have to get rid of all those negative thoughts. I know you must not have heard of them at your age, Artemis but two psychologists called James and Lange who have done quite a lot of research in this area..."

Artemis rolled his eyes.

"…say that it is our behavior that influences our emotions and not the other way round. So smile, so that you can feel like it." She beamed again and looked at him expectantly.

Artemis looked thoughtful. "You know, doctor, as part of my research in the levels of mental retardation, I once met someone with an IQ of 27... I regret I had not met you then…you would have made a far better subject."

Dr. Betsy frowned, then took a deep breath. "Artemis, I understand it is difficult to accept something new, something you are not used to doing. But trust me, this proves beneficial and there's no harm in trying."

"There's plenty of harm in trying," Artemis contradicted. "If I succeed, I might become similar to you."

"And?" smiled the doctor.

Artemis stared. "I apologize; I cannot come up with an example of an outcome more undesirable."

Dr. Betsy took two deep breaths.

"Do not challenge my expertise, Artemis. I have given lectures on this technique and had grateful clients come to thank me with tears in their eyes."

"Are you sure they were not simply crying?" Artemis asked.

Dr. Betsy drew herself up to her full height, which wasn't much.

"Artemis Fowl, this insolence is shameful. Obviously, you have issues with authority figures."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Authority figures?"

"Yes," Dr. Betsy snapped despite herself. "You find it difficult to interact with those more knowledgeable than you in a certain field."

"And that's you, is it?" Artemis sounded amused.

Dr. Betsy smiled smugly. "Yes it is. Laughter therapy has proved quite effective with a large number of people, including a number of prominent members of our society."

Artemis shook his head regretfully. "So I was wrong…"

"Yes?" the doctor smiled encouragingly.

"There are far more idiots in prominent positions than one would imagine…"

Dr. Betsy took several deep breaths.

"Artemis, I am warning you. I do not want any more cheek from you."

Artemis sighed. "And I don't want any more foolishness from you. We don't always get what we want."

Dr. Betsy's fists had tightened at her sides.

"Artemis, you don't know how privileged you are to be able to have access to Dr. Felton's teachings from his best disciple," she boasted.

"You're right," Artemis told her. "I don't."

"At this rate, Artemis, you will never be able to deal with any of your problems, because you are unwilling to accept even the possibility that you may be wrong and someone else may be right."

"And you are unable to accept the possibility that someone else may be right in saying that you are dense, delusional and living in denial."

Dr. Betsy was now breathing hard. "I am _not_ in denial," she said through clenched teeth.

"That's what they all say," Artemis said sympathetically.

Dr. Betsy was now shaking with years of pent up anger that this boy seemed to have prodded back to life. No one had dared be so cheeky to a world renowned psychologist and top notch laughter therapist.

"Artemis Fowl," she whispered, leaning close to him. "This school lets you get away with too much. Someone should teach you some _manners_."

Artemis leaned back calmly in his chair. "Don't worry, doctor. I am sure you will be able to find ample victims- pardon me, _clients_- who will gladly fall for your rubbish. Just try to avoid interacting with anyone intelligent."

"Dr. Felton's therapy techniques are_ not_ rubbish! They helped me find balance and peace in life!"

"Yes, you are _very _balanced indeed," Artemis replied, sarcasm dripping from his tone. His hand strayed casually to his pants pocket.

Many years ago, Dr. Betsy had had anger issues. She used to get angry at every little thing. And the thing she had hated most was anyone _laughing _at her…

"You better stop, _right now_!"

Artemis licked a button on his phone without looking down, sending a pre-written text message to Principal Guinea.

"Stop what, doctor?" he asked innocently.

Dr. Betsy's mouth twisted in a snarl before she controlled herself, taking several deep breaths. "Stop…stop being so _smug_ and _arrogant_ like you know _everything!_ I am your _counselor_! I have never been so insulted in my life!"

Artemis laughed. "Don't worry…you will get used to it…" Then he smiled condescendingly. "…as I'm sure your _Dr. Felton_ is by now…"

And that was the last straw.

Dr. Betsy screamed and striding forward, took Artemis by the shoulders.

"Listen here, you snot nosed _brat_! I have not spent the last several years studying and perfected those techniques to be ridiculed by a _kid! _You will pay for this!"

There was a manic gleam in her eyes.

"I will be _damned_ if I let all my work be insulted by the likes of _you_! You little-"

Then she used language that would have made a sailor cringe. Artemis continued to smile infuriatingly, dimly aware of the door opening some time during the tirade. Dr. Betsy got all the more riled up at his smile.

"You know," she whispered in a not entirely sane voice. "In our time, kids never misbehaved like you. Do you know why?" she grinned dementedly. "Because they would get the _crap_ beaten out of them if they did. Perhaps it would work with you as well."

She raised a hand.

"_Dr. Betsy!"_

She turned to see Principal Guinea's shocked face in the doorway.

"Doctor! What is the meaning of this!"

Dr. Betsy stared, hand frozen in the air. She seemed unable to react.

"Principal Guinea," she said dumbly.

"I am stunned. This is not what I expected of you. Is this what you teach your patients?"

"No!" she seemed panicked. "You see, Artemis was misbehaving and I-"

"Regardless, doctor, you have no right to lay a hand on any of my students. You are a psychologist. Greater restraint is expected from you."

Dr. Betsy stared at him.

Then she began to laugh hysterically.

"Restraint! _Restraint?_ You want to give me a lecture in _restraint_? I have been restraining myself for _years_, Principal! I have the greatest self control! And then there's this _boy_ who doesn't know the _meaning _of restraint! He insulted me! He insulted years of research and work! _He insulted Dr. Felton! _This is the how you allow your students to behave with their elders? Why I ought to-"

The principal stared at her with an increasingly colorless face at her increasingly colorful vocabulary and _highly_ detailed descriptions of _exactly_ what she would like to do to Artemis. Principal Guinea did the only sensible thing, under the circumstances.

He called security.

* * *

Later, Principal Guinea sat in his office and stared morosely at the floor.

Dr. Betsy had had to sign up for a _long_ period of anger management classes.

He sighed.

Dr. Betsy was a woman in her late thirties. She was- or at least _used to be- _an eminent psychologist, having successfully treated thousands of patients. She had years of experience dealing with all kinds of people. Artemis had merely insulted her and this _eminent psychologist_ had _cursed _at him.

Artemis Fowl was a 13 year old boy. She had used language that had made the principal himself blush. Logically, Artemis should have to attend special therapy sessions to overcome the trauma and the blow to his self-esteem dealt by the woman who was supposed to be his counselor.

Privately, his sympathies were with Dr. Betsy.

* * *

Also, Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllip made the call to Dr. Felton…

.

.

.

…and that is why we have never heard of Dr. Felton.


	6. Dr Steven

A/N: Alright everyone! This is the end…I've had a lot of fun writing this fanfic and I would like to thank all those who reviewed and supported me. ^_^

First, thanks to Artemis Fowl for graciously providing me with the details of these encounters and his thoughts during the sessions. I am flattered that you choose to divulge these particulars to me rather than to Mr. Colfer with whom I believe you have a contract but then, Artemis Fowl never was very much for rules.

Special thanks go to It Was All A Puzzle and Xybolic, and who reviewed every chapter and who were with me since the beginning. Thanks a lot, guys!

On fb, special thanks to Yash who was actually the one who hooked me on to Artemis Fowl and has commented on each of the chapters and who motivated me to keep Artemis in character ^_^. Yash, I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations!

Also, thanks to MasterSakura, ForeverDay, gombo12345, Khirst, mtzBEN, ZeZe123, NameHere, , Academician, , Holly Marie Fowl, Neow, RandomGeek, .hard, , VinyayaMinerva, Fehize, CieloCrimisi, Rakasha Shadowfang, I'm not here, Echocave, cOborski, JediMasterQuill, Needs-a-striaght-jacket, Annabeth Short, nekodreamstealer, SlimShady, TheCompletlyAddictedBookworm, Kida Ookami, Rosy-Fingered-Dawn, undaunted scholar, Todd, or-chan, Artyfan1, The Final Lament, Werepanther33, Tenerezza, Grey's Princess, The elusive shadow Mourningstar13, allucinatoris who reviewed and got me off my ass and encouraged me to continue and complete the story.

This last chapter is rather long…I got carried away ^.^ heheeheheeeheee….blame Arty. I hope you enjoy it!

.

* * *

"_Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see._"

— _Arthur Schopenhauer_

**Dr. Steven**

"Butler, I will need to borrow one of your throwing knives," announced Artemis.

Butler was, understandably, more than a little reluctant.

"Artemis, you have a session with your school counselor in some time. I'm not sure I feel comfortable handing a knife to you, under the circumstances."

Artemis smiled. "Don't worry, Butler, I assure you I won't hurt anyone with it."

Butler squinted. "You give your word?" Artemis never broke his word.

"Yes," Artemis replied earnestly amused at the bodyguard's concern for the psychologist's wellbeing.

Butler was not convinced. _Well, __**he**__ wouldn't hurt anyone with it…but-_

"Say 'No one will get hurt with it.'"

Artemis laughed. Butler had known him for too long. "Well done, old friend. Alright then, if it will make you feel better, 'no one will get hurt with it.'"

Butler nodded suspiciously and reluctantly handed over the knife.

"Perhaps you would like to wait in the next room," Artemis suggested. "I do not mind."

"How very considerate of you, Artemis..." All of Butler's suspicions were aroused all over again.

Artemis smiled graciously. "I simply thought it would put you more at ease."

"Ok," Butler conceded, "But if I hear anyone screaming in pain, I am coming to rescue him."

Artemis laughed again. "Oh I'm sure he'll do nothing of the sort. This is merely for your peace of mind."

Artemis was in far too good a mood for the bodyguard's peace of mind.

* * *

Dr. Steven leaned back in his chair and looked skeptically at the pale boy sitting in front of him. The child genius with the highest tested IQ in Europe. Well! They always had their airs around them. He knew because Dr. Steven was a specialist in dealing with children with a higher IQ. And contrary to popular belief, genii were actually quite predictable once you knew the basics about them.

"Artemis," he began gravely. "I am here to deal with the problems you seem to be having with mixing with your peers. Now, you should know that this is a very common phenomenon among children with a high IQ so it is nothing to be worried about."

Artemis stared. "Worried?"

"Yes," the doctor nodded understandingly. "It is normal to feel…out of place. It can be difficult for you to understand at this point but trust me Artemis; it is vital for your future that you interact with your peers and make an effort to blend in."

Artemis gave him a flat look. "Why?"

"Because," said the doctor. "You must develop the social skills necessary or it will be very difficult for you later on."

"I assure you it will not," Artemis told him. "I am…a quick learner."

"Yes but even so," the doctor said patiently. "There are some things, young man that must be learned early on in life. I know you must feel like you know better than everyone right now but unfortunately, if left to your own devises, you will impair your own development. So, I am sorry to force this on you but it must be done."

Artemis looked amused. "_Force_ this on me?"

"Yes," the doctor nodded regretfully although he did not really look at all sorry. "I must ask you to make more of an effort to make friends."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "And if I don't?"

The doctor sighed. "You will, Artemis. I will help you deal with whatever inhibits you from attempting to make friends."

"Nothing _inhibits_ me, doctor," Artemis attempted to explain. "Except that my _peers_ are particularly irritating _idiots_."

"Come now, that's not fair, Artemis. I realize that it may be difficult for them to accept someone…_different_ such as yourself, but I'm sure if you make an effort-"

Artemis was losing his patience. "Doctor, I am going to try and make this very simple for you."

He looked the doctor in the eyes. "I. Don't. _Want._ To." He said, enunciating clearly, as if speaking to a particularly slow child.

The doctor frowned. "Well, it is obvious to me that you think far too much of yourself." His voice was cold. "Therefore, unfortunately, I am going to disillusion you of the notion that you know everything." He sighed. "I don't enjoy this but it is for your own good." He looked like he _was_ going to enjoy it.

Dr. Steven was one of those people who believed that confidence, especially in children, was a bad sign and that in order to keep them in line one had to humble them a little. He had used this technique successfully with quite a few genii who thought too much of themselves because as a rule, genii always had fragile egos, _especially_, he thought with distaste, _pampered, rich kids like Artemis._

"Now," he said, "What is your field of specialization? I am sorry it had to come to this but the only way I see how you'll listen to what I have to say is when you realize that as an expert in this field, it is for you own good if you shelve your ego and do as I tell you."

Artemis was very amused. "An _expert_, you said. So you must have interacted with other genii as well."

"Yes," the doctor replied with satisfaction. "I have and you should know, Artemis that I have met many who were as insolent as you. By the end of my session, they were in tears and very willing to do as I asked so save yourself the trouble and don't be too full of yourself."

Artemis had a glint in his eye. "In tears…I see. Well doctor, did Principal Guinea tell you what happened to the previous psychologist?"

The doctor frowned. "He told me she had to leave," he replied. "What has that got to do with anything?"

Artemis's smile widened. _He didn't tell him the truth. This should be interesting…_

"Oh nothing, doctor," Artemis answered casually. "Nothing at all…"

The doctor looked at him rather uneasily. For a second, Artemis's expression had reminded him irresistibly of a _vampire_…he shook his head. No, no he was just being silly…

"So what did you say was your field of specialization?"

Artemis stared. "I have no field of specialization."

Dr. Steven smiled affably. "So you know a bit of everything, huh? Jack of all trades…"

Artemis shrugged. "No, not a _bit_ of everything. I am what may be referred to as a Universal Genius. It means I am exceptionally good at just about everything I attempt."

Dr. Stevens snorted. "That is not possible."

Artemis smirked. "I assure you it is."

"Alright Artemis. If you insist on being difficult, I will simply have to test you in a variety of fields to find out. Ready?"

Artemis's smile was mocking. "Ready when you are, doctor."

"Ok then." The doctor interlocked his fingers and leaned back in his chair.

In preparation for his sessions with genii, he had committed certain facts from a variety of subjects to memory. They were seemingly straightforward but actually tricky questions. He would begin with simple ones and once Artemis's field of expertise was revealed, he would lead on to more difficult ones. It was his own method of therapy. Generally, it was a lot easier because he would make it a point to previously find out the person's field of specialization. He would then ask the client certain questions in his field, carefully chosen to be misleading and difficult to answer and when the boy was unable to answer or got it wrong, his ego would deflate a bit and he would be easier to deal with. After spending many years spent dealing with these kids all over the world, he himself knew the answers very well, which was all the more humiliating for the genius in question. _It is really an unfortunate side effect that many of them end up in tears,_ he thought contentedly.

"Shall we start with astronomy?"

Artemis shrugged. "Whatever you want."

The doctor frowned. This boy's attitude was really starting to get on his nerves. He would really enjoy this.

"Alright. Which are the furthest stars in the universe?" he asked

Artemis laughed. "_Really_ doctor? A world renowned _specialist _and the only thing you know of astronomy is that it is related to _stars_?"

_Ah, delaying tactics, _Dr. Steven thought with satisfaction. "I know more than you, boy," the doctor answered coldly. "So just answer the question." Then he smiled indulgently. "If you _can_, that is…"

Artemis shrugged. "There is no way of knowing that. They are billions of light years away."

Dr. Steven smirked triumphantly. "Actually Artemis, I must correct you on that. The furthest stars are actually the quasars." He leaned back with a sigh. "Well, it's a pity, Artemis. I thought you said you were equally well-versed in all fields?" he raised an eyebrow mockingly.

Artemis smiled indulgently. "Doctor, the quasars are not stars."

Dr. Steven glared. "Of course they are stars! It's in the book! I'll show it to you if have a doubt."

Artemis was still smiling. "A quasi-stellar radio source or 'quasar' is actually a galaxy with an active galactic nucleus. There was till very recently, some controversy regarding the nature of quasars mainly because they are sources of electromagnetic energy that are point-like, similar to stars, rather than extended sources similar to galaxies. However, there is now scientific consensus that a quasar is a compact region in the center of a massive galaxy surrounding the central super massive black hole."

The doctor glared. He opened his laptop quickly and googled it. To his chagrin, Artemis was right. He gritted his teeth. He did not want to look up to meet Artemis's amused gaze.

"Doctor, perhaps it would be advisable for you to keep up with recent developments in the field?"

"What is 35.235 multiplied by 659.8?" the doctor snapped without answering Artemis's question. He was too busy calculating the answer on his laptop calculator.

"Twenty three thousand two hundred and forty eight point zero five three," Artemis replied without missing a beat. Dr. Steven stared at him with mouth slightly open.

Artemis was smirking insufferably.

"How about literature?" he asked aggressively. But he did not quote Shakespeare. It was almost a trend, he thought, to have certain passages of Shakespeare by heart. He preferred to use a text not quite so well known.

"Complete this quote:

"Listen, my friend the ages that are past

Are now a book with seven seals protected…"

Artemis smiled. "…What you the spirit of the ages call

Is nothing but the spirit of you all

Wherein the ages are reflected."

The doctor had his teeth clenched, not knowing what to say.

"I had no idea you were such an admirer of Goethe, doctor," Artemis said innocently, "But you know, that passage is far more beautiful in the original."

Then he repeated the entire thing in German. The doctor, to his mortification, did not understand a word.

_A good offence is the best defense,_ he decided quickly.

"How about history?"

Artemis looked indifferent. "I do not put too much trust in history."

Dr. Steven stared. "Don't put trust in history? History is _facts_. You can't deny facts."

Artemis smiled. "I do not wish to deny _facts_, doctor. But the _fact_ remains that there are far too many of the so called historians who do."

"Well, I'll agree that there are certainly historians who are biased but surely not all…"

Artemis shook his head. "No, not all historians are unscrupulous. But the history _written _by them is unfortunately tampered with by too many…interested parties."

Dr. Steven looked at him doubtfully. "So you're saying history is not reliable?"

Artemis tapped the arm of his chair and replied condescendingly. "I'm saying, doctor that history is written by the victors."

Dr. Steven glared.

"Just admit that history is really not your subject!"

Artemis shrugged. "Fine. Ask away."

Dr. Steven glared. The boy was probably expecting questions about war and revolutions and such things. Well! He was in for a surprise…

"Who was the author of The _Almagest__?"_

Artemis blinked innocently. "The astronomical treatise? Claudius Ptolemaeus, of course, better known as Ptolemy."

Dr. Steven was getting very, _very_ irritated.

"So you know about the Greek mathematician, eh?

Artemis gave him a superior look. "Doesn't everyone?"

The doctor was grounding his teeth now in a particularly alarming manner.

"By the way," said Artemis casually. "Although he was considered a member of the Greek society and he wrote in Ancient Greek, he was born in Roman Egypt so you might not want to call him _Greek_."

Artemis almost laughed at the look on the doctor's face. He looked like he was about to pop a vein.

"Alright, on to physics then. "What do you know about the Theory of Relativity, Artemis?"

Artemis sighed.

_Here we go…why does everyone always assume that to be a genius, one has to simply understand the theory of relativity?_

"I do not wish to discuss the nuances of the Theory of Relativity with you, doctor." Artemis informed him.

Dr. Steven was positively gleeful. "It's ok to admit that you don't know anything about it," he smirked. "You probably don't even know what E=mc2 stands for."

_There is a lot more to the Theory of Relativity than E=mc2, you buffoon, _thought Artemis.

Artemis tried to portray as clearly as possible that he was not interested. The doctor took it for embarrassed silence.

"It means energy is equal to mass times the square of the velocity of light," he revealed obligingly. He was very proud that he knew something _Artemis Fowl_ didn't.

"Velocity of light in vacuum," Artemis corrected.

The doctor frowned. "That's just splitting hairs. Doesn't make any practical difference."

"Yes it does when making important calculations that need to be exact. Now granted, the velocity of light – in air or in vacuum- cannot be measured to an exact decimal but it is important to take into account the seemingly insignificant difference."

The doctor was sulking. "Why?" he asked petulantly, rather put out at being corrected in what he thought he had Artemis beat.

"Because," Artemis replied, "The speed at which light propagates through transparent materials, such as air, is less than _c _and in non-inertial frames of reference, the local speed of light is constant and equal to c, but the speed of light along a trajectory of finite length can differ from c, depending on how distances and times are defined."

Dr. Steven looked like he was going to throw a tantrum.

"Perhaps you should refrain from asking me questions if you do not possess the ability to keep up with me," suggested Artemis.

The doctor took a deep breath and swallowed his pride with the greatest of difficulty. "It is impudent to look down on others, Artemis. Not everyone can be as smart as you."

"That," pointed out Artemis, "Is what I have been trying to _tell_ you."

The doctor was too agitated to react to the insult.

"But-but how is this possible?" the doctor demanded desperately.

Artemis smirked. "But is that all doctor? I must say I'm disappointed. You said you wished to test me in a _wide_ variety of subjects. How about others? Technology, architecture, music, art…" Artemis smirked. "Perhaps you would like to play a game of chess…?"

Dr. Steven stared at him dazedly. "You-you are proficient in all those too?"

Artemis inclined his head.

"B-but how?" he asked again.

Artemis smirked. "I told you. Universal Genius."

"But it's not possible," he insisted. "There is _no such thing_ as good at everything. Those who have a general higher intelligence are not as proficient in _any_ area as those genii who specialize in a particular field. Einstein himself was deficient in other areas due to the fact that he had extraordinary mathematical abilities."

Artemis looked amused. "I don't believe Einstein is the best comparison."

Dr. Steven's glared. "Use any comparison you want, Artemis. Throughout history, there have been _no_ examples of any such thing as a Universal Genius. There are only polymaths- people who attempt and are reasonably good at many things. There is no such thing as an _expert_ at everything. Human beings must specialize. One cannot do everything at once; it is not possible."

Artemis stared at him. "Are you familiar with the case of Leonardo Da Vinci?"

The doctor turned red. "You have the nerve to compare yourself to _Da Vinci_? Da Vinci was an exception! The _single _exception!"

"The only _recorded _exception," Artemis corrected him.

Dr. Steven stared. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that perhaps there were others who were lost to history; people who deserved to but did not find place in the list of the greatest minds in history."

Dr. Steven laughed. "That's ridiculous! A true genius needs no recommendation and cannot be denied. His work speaks for him. A universal genius would have no trouble at all having his name go down in history as one of the exceptional minds of his time!"

Artemis's looked at his thoughtfully, as though contemplating how anyone of the human race could be quite so daft. "Did it ever occur to you, doctor that perhaps they did not _wish_ to be known?"

Dr. Steven looked at him incredulously. "That's ridiculous. Why wouldn't anyone want to be known for their genius, for who they are?"

Artemis shrugged. "Perhaps because, for a true genius, who and what they are is something that does not depend on the applause and admiration of the masses."

He said it disdainfully.

"Perhaps because they did not wish to be remembered as the distorted, fanciful caricatures that common people would undoubtedly make of them in an effort to grasp in their limited capacity, just what these genii are."

Artemis looked away, gazing intently at the sunshine streaming in from the window. The doctor was surprised at the sudden change that seemed to have come over the boy. All traces of mocking were gone from his voice.

"What you remember of Albert Einstein today is that he invented the formula E=MC2 and the Theory of relativity and that he was a balding man with remarkably bad hair. Not many know that Einstein loved violin music."

Artemis smiled almost ruefully. "And no one knows the man himself, the human being behind the mask of genius –all the flaws, all the small things that made him as human as anyone else, and all the big things because of which he was not allowed to have them…"

Artemis's voice was soft and even. "Perhaps true genii find it preferable to remain in the memory of those few who care for them; who know them for who and what they are. Perhaps they do not see the joy of being a name, a symbol in the minds of the generations who don't know or care to know just who those people were..."

He looked suddenly at the doctor and the doctor drew back with the depth in this 13 year old's eyes.

"Perhaps some secrets are best kept when know one knows that these secrets exist."

Dr. Steven was growing slightly afraid. This boy spoke with a quite confidence that was far too mature for his age. There was something about him…something _odd _but the doctor could not put his finger on it. Once again the word _vampire_ flashed across his mind and the doctor spoke hurriedly in an attempt to get a hold of himself.

"But you are not one of them, Artemis," he smiled rather unsurely. "You advertise your genius to the world! You make it a point to let everyone know exactly how clever you are!"

Artemis smiled slowly, thoughtfully, holding his gaze. "I never tell people _exactly_ how clever I am, doctor. They would be too scared."

_If I had wanted the world to know exactly how clever I am, Dr. F. Roy Dean Schllip, Dr. C. Niall DeMenta, Dr. Sir E. Brum, Violets Tsirbleu and countless other aliases would not exist.__ If I told people exactly how clever I am, I would not be that clever at all._

The doctor was really spooked now. But he tried to cover the fear with bravado.

"Well Da Vinci was not all that secretive…we have a number of his great works with us now…he left behind sketches, drawings, paintings…"

"Da Vinci utilized mirror writing to keep his writings safe," Artemis reminded him.

The doctor looked away. "Well," he mumbled. "Experts now suggest that his mirror writing was in fact due to the fact that he was dyslexic."

Artemis smiled. _People always try to explain away the things they don't understand by fitting them in a convenient mold. Perhaps years later when people found out about Artemis Fowl's aliases, they would say he made them because he was shy, insecure and lacking in confidence._

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Of course,_ you_ have deciphered the famous smile of Mona Lisa?"

The doctor turned red. He was suddenly very anxious to get away from this strange, pale boy who spoke with such assurance.

"Er…that's fine…you can go now…" he told Artemis hurriedly. "I will let you know when your next session is to be."

Artemis didn't move from his chair but stared at him. The doctor got worried.

"But you did not test my hand-eye co-ordination, doctor," Artemis reminded him pleasantly.

Dr. Steven stared at him. Hand-eye co-ordination? He hadn't said anything about hand-eye co-ordination.

"A psychologist once told me that due to my proficiency in other areas, my hand-eye co-ordination is probably not very good. Perhaps you would like to test it."

The doctor shook his head quickly. "Eh…no that won't be necessary. We…don't have any equipment, for one." And he also did not want any more demonstrations of how smart this boy was. It was quite painful being on the receiving end of a lesson in humility.

"Well that can be easily remedied," Artemis smiled pleasantly.

Then, to the doctor's intense astonishment and consternation, Artemis brought out a knife._ What kind of a school kid carries a knife like that around, _he wondered desperately.

"What are you planning to do with that?" the doctor was happy and intensely relieved to note that his own voice was steady. Mostly.

"Pierce the side of the back of your chair," Artemis told him.

The doctor looked at him disbelievingly. "Are you kidding me?"

Artemis looked at him inquiringly. "Why no, doctor, why ever would you think that?"

The doctor glanced nervously at the small space next to him.

"There is hardly 2 inches of space, Artemis," he told him.

"I know," Artemis agreed. "But otherwise, where is the challenge?"

"Artemis, you cannot hope to hit the chair without injuring me!" the doctor protested.

Artemis shrugged carelessly. "Well, if I miss then you will most likely be gravely injured or worse."

The doctor glared.

"Artemis, if you are trying to scare me, then you can just stop it. I am not a man who scares easily."

Artemis smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry doctor. I have confidence in my abilities."

The doctor didn't have confidence in his abilities.

"Are you out of your mind, Artemis? You-you'll be expelled for even trying!"

"No, I won't" Artemis replied cheerfully. "I have done this before."

The doctor looked at him hopefully. "Really? You successfully hit such a small target before?"

Artemis looked thoughtful. "No, last time I missed. It was unfortunate…she was a nice lady…"

The doctor's heart almost shut down. "M-missed?"

Artemis nodded. "Yes, fortunately, Butler…took care of matters and things didn't get out of hand."

"Ummm…you do realize I will report you to the police, don't you?" asked the doctor hesitantly.

"Go ahead," Artemis suggested. "Who's going to believe you? After all, there is no proof. The previous psychologist merely had to…leave unexpectedly."

The doctor whimpered. "P-previous psychologist?"

Artemis looked at him questioningly. "Didn't the principal tell you what happened to her?"

"He- he told me she had to go away…" the doctor stared hesitantly.

Artemis laughed icily and the sound sent a chill down the doctor's spine. "Yes…far _far _away…"

"Y-you're just messing with me," the doctor said hesitantly. "No one can get away with such things in today's Ireland."

"Butler can," Artemis assured him. "He is a highly trained bodyguard and as such has a permit to carry all kinds of weapons…and he's not afraid to use them…"

The doctor swallowed heavily, but then shook himself. "I don't believe you," he declared. "You don't have the guts to throw that knife at me. You're just saying it."

Artemis smiled coldly. "Have I made any baseless claims, doctor?"

The doctor had to admit that he hadn't. He had really done everything that he had claimed he could. That did not make the doctor feel any better.

"I still don't believe you," the doctor insisted. "So you can stop kidding around now…"

"Hmmm," Artemis looked at the chair speculatively. Dr. Steven's eyes were drawn to the knife in his hands. Slender, pale, _sure_ fingers circled the handle of the knife. The doctor began sweating.

"Stop it, Artemis," he ordered with as much dignity as he could muster. Artemis narrowed his eyes in concentration.

"Stay very still, doctor,"

"I'm not falling for it," the doctor threatened, leaning back in his chair, trying to appear casual but his entire body was tense.

"Well, wish me luck," Artemis smiled.

What happened next has to be described in slow motion to do it justice.

The doctor stared, horrified at Artemis.

Artemis smiled triumphantly.

The doctor's eyes were fixed on Artemis's face. Several minute expressions flickered across his face. A slight frown…a narrowing of the eyes…the arm with the knife raised in a swift motion…drawn back…then a _wild _look in his eyes_…_

…And the doctor screamed and jumped behind his desk, chair rolling and crashing into the wall.

5 seconds later, Butler burst into the room, Sig Sauer out, a thunderous frown on his face. The doctor took one look at the 7 foot Eurasian with the big gun, then pointed one trembling finger at him and screamed again. Butler lowered his gun and raised an eyebrow at Artemis who was sitting calmly in his chair, knife no where in sight.

"Hello Butler," he greeted pleasantly. Then he pointed at the cowering doctor. "There's Dr. Steven. You might want to…take care of him…"

Butler turned to look at the doctor, whose eyes widened even more.

Butler started towards him.

The doctor fainted.

* * *

There was a knock on the Principal's door.

Principal Guinea frowned. "Come in,"

Artemis opened the door. "I apologize for disturbing you, Principal but Dr. Stevens is…not feeling very well."

Principal Guinea narrowed his eyes. "What?"

Artemis was smirking. "He fainted."

Principal Guinea sighed. A psychologist who fainted during a session. Now he had seen everything. "Fainted?"

Artemis nodded. "Perhaps he needs a doctor…"

"Yes, thank you very much for informing me," Principal Guinea snapped testily.

Artemis smiled his vampire smile. "It was my pleasure."

* * *

Once they were in the limo, Butler glanced accusingly at Artemis. "You broke your word."

Artemis smirked. "I did no such thing."

"Your counselor is now in a _mental health institution_ because you scared him out of his wits..." Butler glared. "…_literally!_"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "So?"

"_So_…" Butler replied "You promised no one would get hurt." He had been very careful to get Artemis to word the promise just right. Spending time with Artemis tended to make one quite the lawyer.

"If you remember my exact words, Butler, I said 'No one will get hurt with it.'"

Then he smiled deviously. "It was not the _knife_ that hurt him."

Butler groaned.

* * *

Principal Guinea had had enough.

This was the sixth psychologist Artemis had scared away, _6_ _world renowned psychologists_ – the best in their field. As soon as he had regained consciousness, Dr. Stevens had gone into hysterics, alternately screaming and mumbling something along the lines of "Universal Genius...not possible..._vampire!_...Ptolemy is not Greek..._murderer!_ and _Artemis Fowl!_"

He could not just keep hiring new ones. As soon as they heard what happened to the previous ones, they were very reluctant to take the job. Angeline Fowl insisted on sending her son for therapy and since the Fowls were one of the major donors for the school, he did not want to get on Angeline Fowl's bad side. He had only been able to hire Dr. Steven by…_glossing over_ the details of what happened to Dr. Betsy.

He twirled the paperweight in his hands.

He would have to have a talk with young Artemis.

He sighed dejectedly.

He would rather eat nails.

* * *

Ok folks, the story is officially over but I am going to add a short epilogue about Artemis's conversation with Principal Guinea which will take place before the arrival of Dr. Po and will therefore be the connecting link between these chapters and the actual books. Feedback welcome!


	7. Epliogue

**Epilogue**

Principal Guinea looked up as Artemis knocked and entered his office.

"Ah yes, Artemis, have a seat,"

Artemis sat down and looked at him inquiringly.

"It is really unfortunate it had to come to this, Artemis but this has gone on far enough." He glared. "This will not do!"

Artemis smirked. "Did I do something wrong?"

Principal Guinea frowned. "You know very well what you did, Artemis. You scared away all those counselors!"

Artemis didn't seem at all sorry. "Yes, it was quite interesting."

The Principal could not believe the nerve of this boy. "You're admitting it?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Why yes. I did not do anything illegal. I believe there are no rules against frightening one's school counselor."

Principal Guinea drew back. Well. That was true…but only because no one had thought to do anything of the sort before. Hell, no one _could_ do something like that. Artemis Fowl delighted in breaking rules that weren't even made yet.

"Even so, Artemis, you must stop."

Artemis looked at him curiously. "Why?"

Principal Guinea glared. "Because it's not a nice thing to do! Don't you have any respect for your elders?"

Artemis looked amused. "Not really."

Principal Guinea was furious.

"Don't be cheeky, young man! I'm warning you! I won't have you talking this way to me!"

Artemis looked unconcerned. "Whatever you say, principal."

"I'm serious, Artemis. Several complaints about your misbehavior have reached me. You will stop being rude to your teachers and counselors!"

Artemis raised a challenging eyebrow. "Or what?"

"Or you're out of this school!" shouted Principal Guinea. He had an impressive voice; one that had students shivering in their seats.

Artemis laughed.

"You won't expel me, principal."

Principal Guinea glanced at him haughtily. "And why not? St. Bartleby's is a very prestigious educational institution. We hold our students to the highest standards and a failure to meet them will result in…consequences."

Artemis smiled indulgently. "The board of trustees would not be very happy with your decision, Principal. Mr. Lawrence, Mr. Jeremy and Mr. Dustin in particular, will be _quite_ displeased. They made that fact very clear in your previous meeting."

Principal Guinea scowled. "That's not the-"

Then he stopped and looked at Artemis beadily.

"How do you know what happened in the last board meeting?"

Artemis smirked. "I have ways."

Principal Guinea gritted his teeth. "I will inform your mother."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "That your counselors are too incompetent to deal with my 'issues' and therefore choose to blame me for their abysmal ineptness?"

Principal Guinea sat back in his chair.

"Alright, tell me the truth. Why are you doing this? They are just trying to help you."

"No they are not," Artemis stated flatly.

"How can you say that?" principal Guinea asked.

"I don't like their methods."

"You think you can make a better psychologist?" challenged the principal.

"Oh please," Artemis replied disdainfully, "The term _psychologist_ is disgraced by those so called counselors."

Principal Guinea's eyebrows shot up. "How can you be so arrogant?" he wondered.

Artemis looked at him steadily. "It is not arrogance; I am merely stating a fact. It is not my fault your counselors are so inadequate that facts are uncomplimentary to them."

Principal Guinea glared. "They have their own methods of doing things, Artemis. It is not their fault that you are a unique case who does not fit into any category."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Fit into a category? If those so called psychologists try to _fit_ their clients into _categories_, then that is proof enough of their foolishness. Psychology is an art as well as a science. Those who are unable to work with both should do everyone a favor and not attempt to be '_counselors_'.

Principal Guinea sighed. "Look as your mother insists on you attending these sessions, can't you at least _try_ and co-operate?"

Artemis shrugged. "Why should I?"

Principal Guinea glowered. "So they can get to the bottom of what exactly is causing you to act up the way you do? Make things easier on everyone?"

"Hmm," Artemis looked thoughtful. "Tempting, but no. This is much more fun."

Principal Guinea wanted to hit him. "Artemis, I cannot allow you to behave this way with school counselors! Dr. Po will be joining us soon and you are not to scare him away!"

Artemis felt like laughing. "But I cannot help it, principal. They insist that I be _honest_."

Principal Guinea squinted. "So?"

Artemis smiled his vampire smile. "So, as far as counselors are concerned, honesty is apparently _not_ the best policy."

Principal Guinea did not want to know what he had told them.

"I somehow doubt you would be entirely honest with your counselor," he accused.

Artemis smirked. "More or less…"

Principal Guinea sighed.

"Dr. Po is a very distinguished man, Artemis. He is an astute psychologist. You are not to play your mind games with him."

Artemis looked amused. "If he was that astute, do you not think my 'mind games' would not work with him?"

Principal Guinea gave him a superior look.

"Maybe they won't."

And he almost believed it too.

Artemis smirked. "Then you have nothing to worry about."

Principal Guinea realized it was quite pointless.

He gestured for him to leave. Artemis got up and headed for the door. Principal Guinea stared after him.

"Artemis, you may be smarter than everyone but really, you are just a spoilt child. You have never done anything for anyone but yourself. Once you venture into the real world, you will realize that it is not prudent to antagonize everyone."

Artemis turned to look at him and although he was smiling slightly, his eyes were cold and steely. "If I were you, Principal Guinea, I would not presume to talk of matters about which I know nothing."

Principal Guinea swallowed nervously. Through out the conversation, Artemis had been mocking and sarcastic but right now, he looked genuinely angry. He stared at Artemis anxiously.

Artemis's eyes bore steadily into his. "If you insist on hiring incompetent, pretentious good-for-nothing counselors to try and _analyze_ me, do not expect me to make their task easier. If Dr. Po wants to try-"

Artemis smiled derisively and Principal Guinea suddenly felt sorry for Dr. Po.

"-tell him to be prepared."

* * *

A/N: And that's all, folks! ^_^


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